Honestly, I don’t know where to start.
Here we go…
It was my 6th grade year, I was the kind of kid that didn’t know what his purpose was in life; But at this time I didn’t really care. I was trying to enjoy my middle school years. But that didn’t really go according as planned. It wasn’t until 7th grade when I realized I was depressed, (at this time I thought this was how life was and I thought everyone just felt that way and others coped with it, just “another day of life”) I tried to keep to myself but it just didn’t happen that way.
I’d have kids make fun of how I dressed and how I looked (keep in mind that I was young, 12 years old to be exact, and I was a small kid) I was very emotional around this age aswell but I wasn’t a bitch. I didn’t cry or anything…. at least not in front of anyone. I had a small group of friends I sat with at lunch, we were all nobody’s but we tried to make fun out of it.
I continously got bullied throughout the year and I got into several fist fights because of the harassment. I didn’t really enjoy life at this point, but I wasn’t gonna do anything stupid.
Freshman year came and thats when I knew I had depression. I tried living a different lifestyle but it didnt work out. I always ended up in my room, staring at the wall, wondering why I even stay in this world anymore. I never left my room and when I did it was to eat. I started distancing myself away from my family. I had no relationship with my mom or my two sisters at this point. I felt like a roomate, but one that hides away.
A week before summer break ended I slipped up….. I had a relapse (when everything completely weighs you down to the point where you start blacking out from crying and you just want to die right then and there), I couldn’t breathe and I was just furious with my current life. I grabbed a jar of some sleeping medicine, took about 15 of them out and I launched them down my throat. I drank a brand new bottle of nightquil, took about 10 aspirin and cut my wrists all up and wrote a suicide note. I thought I was certain this was my death. I completely blacked out, I don’t remember what I did after finishing the note, Everything was bloody and I felt blind. I couldnt see anything and I couldnt move. I was completely frozen. I felt my nose bleeding and I couldnt stop, what I thought were voices. I was completely freaking out. Within minutes I wasn’t responsive.
I heard knocks on my door and it was my mom asking to go out to dinner the next night. (I slept for 24 hours straight at this time) I only remember glimpses of that. But I told her I was sick and when she left I headed back to sleep.
32 hours of sleep.
Cops start knocking on my front door and my mother answers it, they are asking for me. “We got a call that someone in this household is intentionally trying to cause harm to himself.” One of my online friends must have called the police. Before I slept I texted my one friend from Washington “bye, you have been a very nice friend.” and she must have somehow tracked my location or something to get the police to arrive at my place.
They sent me to the Halifax hospital in Daytona, got my system flushed and from there they sent me to the “Child behavior center” which was basically a jail where they kept you in front of their eyes at all times. It wasn’t fun at all. I felt like It was cruel to punish kids that just don’t enjoy life. I felt as if I actually did something wrong. When at this time, I thought it was my choice. I stayed there for about a week.
When I got home, it just wasn’t the same. My mother never even knew I was depressed. She just thought I was antisocial. I had to go to this doctors office and talk to a therapist once a month for 2 years. My mom also hid every knife and every type of medicine in the house from me. She was treating me as if I were a psychopath. I was also on medication for these 2 years. They tried over 6 different kinds of medicine until they gave up and finally let it be my choice to take them or not.
I started smoking pot to get my mind off of things. It has been an alternate to my medicine and it actually works! I have been smoking for a bit now and I have honestly noticed a change in myself. I got myself to be motivated, want to get good grades in school, I got a job and a car. I started making big goals, goals that anyone could achieve with effort. I want to make at least $100k by the time I’m 30. That is my ultimate goal. I want to go to college and live up life. I am not a loser. Many people connect stoners and losers. That cannot be done in this case. My test scores have improved and I’ve gotten a lot happier with life. Thats a big leap from where I was. To this day I medicate myself everyday so I could just enjoy life more. I don’t stress and I won’t I will be successful in my lifetime. I can promise that on the world. My tip is to set goals and look at the beautiful things in life like the ocean, space and/or nature itself ❤